The Care and Feeding of Humans

Dear Sophie,

This boy I know? That I really, really like, and we saw each other a few times when we shudna? OK, so we don't see each other anymore, but he sends me an awesome gushy sweet message every time it's the anniversary of a day we secretly went out. He writes like a boyfriend but he's invisible - so far away and no visiting. His messages are the best, better than what any boy in my real life writes. What does a dog think about this? Woof and hugs!

Uncertain


Dear Uncertain,

Sometimes my mommies are mean. And by mean, I mean won’t share their pizza, even though it hasn't been conclusively proven to give me diarrhea, and or let me run willy-nilly through the streets of Baltimore off-leash. Given that I am nearly blind and face-smack into things with great regularity, if I were allowed such free reign, after two days I would probably have more concussions than Mike Tyson.

Yet, sometimes when people visit my mommies, or someone watches me when my mommies go wherever it is they go without me, I get French Fries or string cheese from these SPECIAL PEOPLE, and maybe they let me walk with a great lead or don’t wash my feet when we come back afterward.

What am I trying to say? Well, my mommies may not be the people who give me pizza all the time, but they are the people who give me baths, medicine, regular trips to the vet, and a lifetime free of headaches and broken orbital sockets. And just because that SPECIAL PERSON, shudna boy, feeds you pizza and lights your world up when you see him, he doesn’t do all the hard stuff like your real-life boy does, am I right? I mean, like your real-life boy is there when you have a bad day at work or need a bath, when you must visit in-laws you don’t care for, or when you have to go to the vet for a big, scary test. Shudna boy is special, but what makes him special is that he’s not a boring real-life boy.

The truth is, according to some wise guy, probably a pet owner, if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need. Sometimes my mommies give me a piece of cheese and let me roll around in the dirt before I get a bath. Sometimes they are not totally mean. Maybe real-life boy needs to know sometimes you need a little cheese. Maybe he does not understand how to care for a Boston Terrier but is game to try. Maybe you should sign him up for an obedience class.

I must add that if my mommies did not feed me or walk me or keep me up-to-date on my shots, then that would be a good reason to look for another mommy. Not a SPECIAL PERSON, but a real-life person. Does your real-life boy feed you and walk you and keep you up-to-date on your shots? If not, you may need to be adopted by another human. But first, I think you must decide what your basic necessities are and who is best equipped to meet them.

S O P H I E

Don't Make Me Beg

Dear Sophie,

I’m a successful woman in my thirties. I have a MD/PhD, have published academic papers, and have worked at some of the most prestigious medical institutions around, but I can’t get a date. I haven’t dated anyone for almost 5 years.

Of course, I’m picky. Some men at the hospital have shown interest in me, but I feel like I should be doing better than the chubby, socially awkward men who could probably get a recurring guest role on “The Big Bang Theory.” I feel like I should be attracting more conventionally handsome, self-assured, desirable men. I’m not a super model but I’m pretty, fit, and dress appropriately for a woman my age (ie, not a slut). I’ve joined book clubs and a bowling team and have gone out to happy hours with my colleagues from the hospital. I played with a coed kickball team last season, even though I hate that stuff, to be more spontaneous and confident. No dice. I’ve tried a few dates on Match.com; either I didn’t like the guys or the ones I did like never followed-up. I’ve asked friends to size me up, and they say I’m quiet and sweet and have a wry sense of humor.

I don’t know what to do. All my friends are married and have kids. I don’t want to be a spinster, but the most I seem to know about these days are the television schedule on the weekends and the intimate habits of my dog.

Sincerely,

Hunger Dame

Dear HD,

Wow, you are a whiz! Congratulations on your accomplishments! I’m sure your owners must be proud of you and your extended years of obedience training. Your question is a tough one, and one I can relate to. You see, I am currently in my third (and hopefully) forever home. I never understood why my owner wanted to give me up, or why no one wanted to adopt me (I was considered a “long term” by my foster family). Even when I got to my forever home with my mommies, I could sense that I wasn’t what they were expecting. Their other dog, perfect in their eyes, had just gone over the rainbow bridge, and I was an overweight, excitable thing that barked at their cats, nipped at them, and was just real, real nervous. Also, I was a cancer survivor and was passed over several times for adoption because people were afraid it would come back.

Thankfully, my new mommies could look beyond all of my imperfections and visualize the most important thing: my potential. They made me feel at home, they were patient, and they took me to the vet and had all my rotten teeth removed. They had biopsies done to make sure I was not suffering silently. They changed my diet and took me on lots of walks. Now, I look and feel like a different dog. In return, I have tried to be the best dog I can be for them. I think they know, when I lick them on the face or leg or blindly follow them around the house, even to the bathroom, how thankful I am they are my mommies and how it would be the worst thing to me in the world to lose them.

The moral of this story is that sometimes you need to take a chance. Maybe one of those guys who is interested in you has potential. Maybe he is only a few pounds or a teeth cleaning away from being your desirable man. Maybe you need to go on one more date with him, or say yes to a coffee. Conversely, never give up that someone will take a chance on you. I lived in my foster home for eight months before a match was made; that’s probably a long time in human years. But I didn’t fret while I was there; I was happy, and I made most of my life, deciding that, even if I was never adopted, that I already was really lucky. And then, all of the sudden I was on a plane to Baltimore to be with my mommies. So make the most of your time while you are single - do all those things you like to do, roll on your back in the sun, and be yourself. That’s most important, because your happiness will shine through and make you a more attractive person - people will notice your confidence and think you are some kind of highly desirable pedigree and try hard to impress you with fancy chew-toys. Like me, the man you adopt or who will adopt you will probably not be featured on the Milk-Bones box, but I am certain, even if he isn’t the purest breed, that he will bring you many years of devoted companionship, and that is the most important thing.

S O P H I E