The Care and Feeding of Humans

Dear Sophie,

This boy I know? That I really, really like, and we saw each other a few times when we shudna? OK, so we don't see each other anymore, but he sends me an awesome gushy sweet message every time it's the anniversary of a day we secretly went out. He writes like a boyfriend but he's invisible - so far away and no visiting. His messages are the best, better than what any boy in my real life writes. What does a dog think about this? Woof and hugs!

Uncertain


Dear Uncertain,

Sometimes my mommies are mean. And by mean, I mean won’t share their pizza, even though it hasn't been conclusively proven to give me diarrhea, and or let me run willy-nilly through the streets of Baltimore off-leash. Given that I am nearly blind and face-smack into things with great regularity, if I were allowed such free reign, after two days I would probably have more concussions than Mike Tyson.

Yet, sometimes when people visit my mommies, or someone watches me when my mommies go wherever it is they go without me, I get French Fries or string cheese from these SPECIAL PEOPLE, and maybe they let me walk with a great lead or don’t wash my feet when we come back afterward.

What am I trying to say? Well, my mommies may not be the people who give me pizza all the time, but they are the people who give me baths, medicine, regular trips to the vet, and a lifetime free of headaches and broken orbital sockets. And just because that SPECIAL PERSON, shudna boy, feeds you pizza and lights your world up when you see him, he doesn’t do all the hard stuff like your real-life boy does, am I right? I mean, like your real-life boy is there when you have a bad day at work or need a bath, when you must visit in-laws you don’t care for, or when you have to go to the vet for a big, scary test. Shudna boy is special, but what makes him special is that he’s not a boring real-life boy.

The truth is, according to some wise guy, probably a pet owner, if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need. Sometimes my mommies give me a piece of cheese and let me roll around in the dirt before I get a bath. Sometimes they are not totally mean. Maybe real-life boy needs to know sometimes you need a little cheese. Maybe he does not understand how to care for a Boston Terrier but is game to try. Maybe you should sign him up for an obedience class.

I must add that if my mommies did not feed me or walk me or keep me up-to-date on my shots, then that would be a good reason to look for another mommy. Not a SPECIAL PERSON, but a real-life person. Does your real-life boy feed you and walk you and keep you up-to-date on your shots? If not, you may need to be adopted by another human. But first, I think you must decide what your basic necessities are and who is best equipped to meet them.

S O P H I E