Dog Vs. Wild

Dear Sophie,

Thank you for finally bringing a dog's common-sense solutions to the human's attention.  It's time for a real dog to take control of the govt, not these puppies that seem to rule the day. Democrat or Republican, it doesn't make a difference, neither side can scent a clear path while they're running after the ball.  I guess it could be worse, the CATS could be in charge...

How can I train the humans around me to prepare for the disasters (human-made and natural) that seem to be looming upon the horizon?  I don't want to see my dog-bowl go empty when bad things happen, nor my humans out howling at the full moon in dispair when they can't take care of me {or themselves} any more.  I smell their fear, and the fear on everyone that they meet, but how can I channel their fear-scent into something concrete, before it's too late?

Ike and Angus, a two-dog team sharing life WAY out in the country.

Dear Ike and Angus,

As a girl who lives in the city, where there lots of curbs and buildings and things I seem to always smack into, I envy your life out in the big, wide country. Can I visit sometime? I would like to run and run and run and not get stopped by the leash.  I am sorry to hear that your humans are not preparing for disasters. You know what is a disaster to me? When we run out of my favorite peanut butter dog cookies. But when I think about like, if there were a disaster, I would need my mommies more than ever! I can't see much, and I could never find my way to the grocery store without assistance, so I know I probably have to have the talk with my mommies, too, about the day when we run out of peanut butter dog cookies and there are no more.

What is so awesome about dogs is that we are pack animals. There is a hierarchy, with an alpha dog (hello, me!) and the omega (the outcast), and all the worker dogs in-between. Each dog is essential to the health of the pack, and everyone performs their role of following the alpha dog, of breeding, of raising the puppies, and protecting the pack against outsiders (the lone wolf, or omega).

From politics down to relationships, I think that humans seem to get the pecking order of our pack mentality pretty well, except that everyone thinks they are the alpha dog when really they should all be trying to find their role and support the pack. In short, I think your humans need a little less "me" in their world and a little more "we." Do your humans have a good support network of friends and family? Can they help out in a crisis? Does each person have a unique skill that could contribute toward the health of the pack? Do they have a community garden, or an extra room for the unfortunate stray? Do they at least know the name of their neighbors?  I think your humans should discuss these important things, including who will store your peanut butter dog cookies in the event of apocalypse and who will carry your dog bed to dry land. 

Imagine how great a world it would be if everyone followed their dog pack instead of money, fame, and fortune (things we dogs have no understanding of and no use for). Tell your humans that finding their pack will go a long way in uncertain times, and making sure they know their place in it will keep it from becoming like Lord of the Flies.

S O P H I E 

Let's Call the Whole Thing Off

Sophie, I'm confused. My owner seems to love me. She feeds me, walks me, pets me, buys me treats, kisses my belly, all that stuff. But then every so often she does terrible things to me - dumps me in a tub of water, chops my nails in half, drops liquid into my ears with a syringe, and worse. Am I the victim of domestic abuse? 

Grisby

Dear Grisby,

You don't say? The same, awful, awful things happen to me as well. I don't understand, really. It takes me a long time to lick myself and roll in the grass and kick the dirt with my paws to get just the right amount of camouflage to survive in the jungles of my super-dangerous secret agent world, and then mom takes me in the shower with her and suds me up with oatmeal shampoo?!?!? I'm like, mom, I'm not doing recon in a box of Quaker Oats; I have to hide in the grass and catch that squirrel. And how do my mommies expect me to be the Wolverine for Halloween if they keep trimming my nails?

Seriously, though, Grisb. Once my mommies forgot to cut the one of the cat's claws for weeks, and the cat's nail grew right into their toe pad and my mommies had to cut it out. It looked and sounded like it hurt and the cat certainly wasn't happy about it. I totally don't want that to happen to me. And the ear stuff--I don't like it but I can hear so much better when they've been cleaned. Like, after two squirts and a head-shake, I can hear the refrigerator door open from three blocks away. 

So don't sweat it, kid. Humans and dogs are like vinegar and water sometimes, but I think, compared with so many of my dog friends when I was in the shelter, we have some good cribs. However, we can have an ultra-secret "stuff we don't like that our mommies do to us" club if it will make you feel any better. You bring the squeaker toys and I will bring the peanut butter cookies.

S O P H I E

Stuck in the Middle

Hi Sophie,

You look like a shapely lady, so I'd appreciate your thoughts. I'm on a new diet. It's working, in that I've lost weight and feel healthy, but I'm constantly constipated. Are there any long-term side effects to being blocked like this? I can handle the discomfort as long as I'm losing weight.

Slim and Stuck 

Dear Slim,

Congratulations on finding a diet that works for you! I am always in the market for ways to slim down (although not like those skinny girls at the Westminster Kennel Club), so I'm curious as to what is your secret. Is your diet veterinarian approved? Assuming that your diet has been approved, I have heard sometimes it takes a few weeks for one's body to get adjusted to new things (in fact, whenever my mommies try out some new kibble, they mix a little of the old in with the new, gradually reducing the old over time so it's not such a shock to my system). 

However, the old adage, "food in, garbage out" should always apply: I've been told that if I eat three times a day, I should poop three times a day, and although I can survive a day or two without pooping, it should not be much longer. Otherwise, my mommies take me to the vet thinking I've eaten a chicken bone at the park. Do you think you ate a chicken bone at the park? 

If your diet is veterinarian approved, you're healthy, and you're slim, I don't see why you just can't add some fiber, like raw vegetables (or cooked, as my mommies give me) or even a little bit of fiber powder (like Metamucil). Neither will add much calorically to your diet, but they will add roughage and hopefully many happy returns (and less discomfort). However, if you feel dizzy, or weak, or sluggish, or you start to strain or rub your butt on the floor, you should go to the vet right away. 

S O P H I E

The Land Down Under

Dear Sophie, 

Why do you like smelling strangers' butts?  I don't mind butts and the other stuff but don't want to smell those of stranger's.  Explain please.

Love,
Down Under

Dear Down Under,

My, the questions have sure taken a turn southerly this week. Why does everyone think dogs have intimate knowledge of the human nether regions? However, I will try to answer as best I can. Dr Roger (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JwTL_zOQAG8) offers the simplest explanation on YouTube; dogs have two scent glands in their butt that tell us everything we need to know about other dogs, like their sex, what they've eaten, even their health. My mommies have read that our noses are so finely tuned, we've been known to sniff out cancer in our human friends. We can even smell the fear of the dog who was in the exam room before us at the vet's, which makes us nervous about what. has. happened. in. there.

Even if sniffing butts is like Facebook in the dog world, but it doesn't explain why we continue to sniff the girl and boy parts of the dogs we know really well. I have heard that our memories and categorization systems are less advanced than humans'; if humans have folders in their computer brains, we only have desktop minds. So, even though I knew cat brother Boo an hour ago, sometimes an hour later I forget about what the heck my relationship with him unless I smell him (Cat. Boo. Brother). According to Kevin Behan, sniffing each other's junk is a way of grounding ourselves. Like the smell of your mom's apple pie, or your favorite cologne. By the way, we hate the smell of that dog shampoo. Really. Why can't it smell like bug guts, chicken bones, and dirt?

What was I talking about? Oh, right - bottoms and stuff. Seriously, they smell better than you realize; you just have really weakling human noses that can barely tell a pinot from a shiraz. Imagine being in the biggest patisserie in the world. Oh, the smells! That is what a dog's behind smells like, seriously. Some have really good tarts, and others croissants. The Newfoundland at the park smells like a hazelnut macaroon, I am not kidding.

S O P H I E